Rachel Lewis

Rachel’s Story

Written Word

Rachel’s Story (one-page version) At the age of 57, I have finally learned two terms that name some of my childhood experiences. One term is non-state torture (see https://nonstatetorture.org/), and the other is child trafficking. Starting while I was still in diapers, my mom, who I believe suffers from untreated mental illness, angrily shoved objects into my body at diaper change time. My dad waited to molest me until I was three. It started out like a game, but soon enough it became overwhelming.  When I was four, they started sharing me with other adults they knew.  These people often acted in groups, raping and torturing children and animals.  The group situation lasted until I was about 9, and my family moved away.  Thereafter, it was back to what I call ‘garden variety incest,’ although I guess it wasn’t really typical because both my parents took their turn with me. I never managed to tell anyone what was happening. I literally didn’t know the words and was too scared anyway.  I always had a person or two who I knew cared about me, though. I always knew Love loved me.  

The Start of Recovery during my junior year of high school, my family finally blew up.  My parents divorced.  My mom hadn’t worked in decades and was not functioning, and my dad had found a new spouse, so those of us kids who were still minors were deposited in an apartment to fend for ourselves.  Honestly, it was a relief. We finally got to do what we wanted! However, during this time, I began struggling with alcohol -- once I started drinking, I couldn’t stop.  

The next few years were spent learning by experience about addiction and self-medication. I ultimately decided I would stay sober if it killed me (I really thought it might.)  Healing In my early 20’s, having been sober for a few years, I began grappling with the effects of my childhood, experiencing severe flashbacks and triggers. I have known some marvelous allies over the years. First Win, then Lucy, then Dianne, and most recently Signe.

The two most critical factors in my healing have been honesty no matter what, and love. For most of my life I have been deeply private about my childhood, feeling like I just wanted a regular healthy life.  But my childhood experience is part of my life, and during the past few years I have begun to really value interacting with other survivors and allies.  It’s so consoling when other survivors can relate to me! And I LOVE showing solidarity to someone who is trying to take their life back.  I’m sharing my story to express solidarity to people who have experiences like mine and to educate people who would like to be our allies.